Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Anna Dunn and Emily Mosier

Leo: July 23 – August 23

      • How many people have you met in your life?  For your sake, I hope it’s more than twelve.
      • Lucky Numbers: .89, 45

Virgo: August 24 – September 22

      • Mercury’s in retrograde, and you know what that means Virgos- eat your green beans. We know who you are, you heathens. Your mama made those for you so eat your dang vegetables because they’re good for you.
      • Lucky Numbers: 35, 80809098

 

Libra: September 23 – October 23

 

      • Alright Libra, buckle up.  Seriously, wear your seatbelts.  Life’s tough and then you die, but the whole point of living is to not die in a Honda Civic. 
      • Lucky numbers: .90493573424234, 69

Sagittarius: November 23 – December 21

      • Love is in the air this week.  Be prepared for a romantic encounter with a stranger.  Be on the lookout for a person with ambiguous features, a trenchcoat, and a weird affinity for expo markers.  
      • Lucky Numbers: 377777, 19

Capricorn: December 22 – January 20

      • Zebra print really doesn’t suit Capricorns, but by all means, keep wearing it.  You can pretend we’re laughing with you, not at you.
      • Lucky numbers: 1986, 1432

 

Aquarius: January 21 – February 18

      • Who let the dogs out?  WHO? WHO? WHO? Please share with the world.  This question has been plaguing the minds of millenials since the dawn of time.  Or at least since the dawn of the mid-1990s. Unfortunately, only an Aquarius can answer this question.  So contemplate and collect your thoughts, but be prepared to present your answer in front of a jury of your peers. 
      • Lucky numbers: 222222222222

 

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

      • Falling down the stairs is not the best way to wake up, but if you get the chance to choose, I’d recommend that you take the stairs.  It’s a lot better than the other option.
      • Lucky Numbers: 34, 2.2980380

 

Aries: March 21 – April 20

      • Earth is in retrograde so you shouldn’t have too much trouble finding recruits.  All they have to do is pay their fee by sunrise. Then your family will be safe and you’ll finally make enough money to feed your cat.  
      • Lucky numbers: 1278, 97, 45

 

Taurus: April 21 – May 21

      • When the lizard people come, and they will come, your best bet is to offer them a nice fruit basket.  War really doesn’t work out and fruit’s a lot less expensive. There’s probably a sale at Trader Joe’s this week.
      • Lucky Numbers: 098, 554, 7675

 

Gemini: May 22 – June 21

      • Do NOT talk to the person you consider your “best friend” this week.  They didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just trying to start drama.  
      • Lucky Numbers: 93, 29483298

 

Cancer:  June 22 – July 22

      • Honey, there’s a big storm coming.  You can’t stop it, but don’t forget your metaphorical umbrella. 
      • Lucky Numbers: NA

 

Scorpio: October 24 – November 22

      • Life is passing you by.  You need to focus your energy on what  really matters: parkour. There is no better time to explore the world, through the eyes of those American Ninja Warriors that I keep hearing so much about.  Do it or don’t, but it’s the only way to improve your quality of life.
      • Lucky numbers: 92, 11111111