Bully Finds Collecting Lunch Money Much Harder Online



An illustration of a bully picking on someone else.

Lucas Moore, Staff Writer

Bullying is nothing new. For ages, these people who oppress others for their own entertainment and betterment have been terrorizing the regular population. In school, the stereotypical bully demands lunch money as tribute. Unfortunately for them, the coronavirus pandemic has limited their ability to collect the cash.


James Fitzpatrick, a sophomore who has been left without lunch money many times, told us “it’s been so nice to be able to eat lunch this year!” Unfortunately for James, the bullies have been concerned that too many people are eating lunch on a daily basis. One day, in the middle of second period, he got a text from an unknown number. “Lunch money.” it read. James trembled with fear as he remembered the days where he feebly handed over his lunch money, and briefly considered not sending the money until a GIF of someone punching their fist into their hand changed his mind. 


Because of the inability to collect physical money, the bullies switched to requesting Bitcoin. “For lunch money, I’m wanting three bitcoins since that’s about three bucks,” one bully told us under the condition of anonymity. This has caused widespread pandemonium as three bitcoin is actually worth over 30 thousand dollars. “My future is ruined!”, James sobbed as he sent away his family’s life savings to a bully, “I could go to a decent college for that amount of money!”


Fortunately for James and his family, all is not lost. Another potential victim who sensibly declined to fork over the cash instead filed charges against the bully for extortion, meaning that James may get his money back in about six months. For now, James no longer manages even a cent of his own money.