Secret Teacher Plot Uncovered to Guarantee Student Stress


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Students are often stressed by their schoolwork, and it’s no fault of their own.

Lucas Moore, Staff Writer

It’s a student’s worst nightmare: quizzes and tests in multiple classes on the same day. Long thought to just be coincidence, it’s nothing of that sort. Materials and interviews obtained by The Falcon show a system completely hidden from students that has been secretly inciting their stress and ruling their lives for years. 


“The goal of the meetings is to maximize student stress in whatever way possible,” one teacher involved told us. This is primarily achieved by scheduling assessments and projects for the same date across classes, therefore ensuring that students have to do many hours of studying and stressing the night before. Other methods used include pop quizzes, large amounts of homework, unclear directions, and weekend work; all designed to create the most stressful environment possible. In fact, teachers collect extensive data on the effectiveness of their tactics. This is shown in spreadsheets with thousands of lines, used to create models of the most stressful possible tasks.


Luckily for students, not all of their tactics end up working. For example, one teacher made the mistake of attaching the answer key to one of her assignments. For teachers this is the worst situation imaginable, as students in possession of the answer key could now have a moment of relaxation. Some other teachers also encounter a situation where the workload is so high that students do not complete their assignments. “There is a very fine balance between stress and quitting, and the goal is for every student to be right on that line as much as possible,” their internal manual says. 


The manual also has extensive instructions about maintaining a facade of caring and keeping morale above a depressed state. Their directive is to act sympathetic to student’s stress concerns, and at all costs hide the unbridled joy they are feeling. Additionally, teachers are supplied with a binder filled with terrible, cringe-inducing puns when they begin work. This ploy is supposed to make students feel some liking towards the teacher, keeping them veiled from the reality of the teacher having absolutely no affinity for them.


Though a small group of teachers has bravely stepped forward to reveal the atrocities of this system, there’s no sign it will stop anytime soon. In fact, some believe that the exposing of this system will lead to increased stress-inducing efforts as retaliation. To all the students out there: good luck.