GH Introduces Squishmallow-Equipped “Social Distancing Police” To Combat Social Distancing Violations

Lucas Moore, Satire Editor

As almost half of Green Hope returns to in-person school April 8th, social distancing in hallways and common areas will become much more difficult. To combat this, Green Hope administration has introduced the “Social Distancing Police,” composed of an elite group of teachers and staff members. After undergoing months of rigorous training similar to a military boot camp, they’re ready to patrol the hallways after Spring Break.

This special task force has been described by some in administration as “all the COVID restrictions personified as a real-life comic book superhero” With tools such as spray bottles full of sanitary solution, whistles, 6-feet long social distancing sticks, and psychological motivation Squishmallows, it’s almost a guarantee that no students will come within 6 feet of each other this April.

The incredibly utilitarian uniform of a Social Distancing Police officer. (Lucas Moore)

A member of the team was kind enough to walk us through all the components of their uniform.

  • Goggles: Protects the eyes by from viruses, as well as provides a barrier from “disgusting, ugly, repulsive teen hairstyles” 
  • Mask: Protects against airborne viruses, as well as spittle from people with braces
  • Emergency COVID Vaccine: Only for truly dire situations, operates similar to an EpiPen
  • Psychological Motivation Squishmallow: Used to lure students away from each other with the promise of a new, soft Squishmallow. Whether these Squishmallows will actually be given to students or just used as bait is still being debated.
  • 6-foot Social Distancing Stick: Used to physically separate students who refuse to keep adequate distance, slightly sharpened at ends. Operates similar to a lightsaber.
  • Whistle: Used to get attention of students who have their headphones in and are therefore oblivious to the outside world
  • High Visibility Vest: The scientifically proven ultimate indicator of authority
  • Spray Bottle: Portable cleaning solution, good for use on desks, door handles, windows, students, etc.
A social distancing officer separates two students in the hallway (not a dramatization). (Lucas Moore)

While some of these tools may seem somewhat heavy-handed, the release of this plan has motivated more students to register for in-person school. School administrators credit the increase to the confidence in safety restrictions, but students say that they’re just “in it for the free Squishmallows.”